This is something I have been contemplating doing for a while but honestly never really saw the point. I guess letting it build up has gotten too much and I don’t know where else to let it out.
For context this takes place in 2020 when I was 22 and my ex was 19. For the sake of anonymity I’ll refer to her as H.
We were together seriously for over a year and had an extended “talking stage” as we met online and lived in different countries (about a 4 hour flight). As soon as we started talking, we had this instant chemistry between us.
As I mentioned, the talking stage lasted a while until H had a break from uni and came to visit. Once she had visited, we would take it in turn monthly to fly to each other’s country, whether it be for a few days or weeks.
Over the 2019/20 summer, H came for an extended visit lasting 3 months. I had already fallen pretty hard for her but during this visit, I came to know what real love is and would give anything to make sure we would work and came to the decision I would follow her to her home country for a minimum of two years. But at the same time I was realizing this, the world started to catch a nasty illness that came to be known as Covid.
Obviously at the time, no one could have anticipated what measures would be put in place around the world in order to slow the spread of the spicy cough and this is where things took a real turn with H and myself.
As all relationships do, we had our issues but they were very minor (mostly little arguments about money and priorities). We never shouted at each other, never lost our tempers and most importantly, never hurt each other.
H was the kind of girl any guy would dream of and would never expect to be with. She was kind, caring, an emotional support through some tough times for me and so many other things that would make you think she was pulled out of a book. But as well as being an amazing partner, she was so damn beautiful.
For context, I’m 6’2 and on the chubbier side, I’ve been told I have nice eyes but I’m definitely not going to turn any heads when I walk in a room and she was 5’3, blonde hair, blue eyes and had a style which she confidently made her own.
Anyway, back to the point. In February, 2020 she had to go back home for the new semester of uni and the plan is I would follow in April due to a few commitments.
We made the most of the time we had together but the time came I had to take her to the airport. I held her hand the entire way to the airport, she checked her luggage in and we found a spot to sit and have a few last Mario Kart races on the switch I bought her that Christmas.
When the time came for her to go through, I had this gut feeling that would be the last time I saw her in person and a wave of emotion hit me. We kissed goodbye and I watched her every step until I could no longer see her. At this point I was in a bit of a mess and thankfully some random middle aged man came up to me, hugged me and helped me pull myself together.
Thank you random man, your act of kindness really did help me. During the drive home, H called me and we spoke until it was time for her to board the plane and again as soon as she was home. We went back to our old norm of spending hours on FaceTime every day.
The days went slow waiting for my time to get on the plane and see her once again but a few weeks before I was flying over, the full pandemic came into effect and international borders were being shut down. At this point we were both feeling as upset as could be expected but it wouldn’t be too long that we would have to wait (or so we thought).
Her country was one of the first to go into a serious lockdown and from what I saw did it very well. They came out of their lockdowns and went back to near normal life, then we went into our first half-attempt of a lock down. I didn’t cope well with the lockdown admittedly and started to take a few frustrations out on her and she was still her supportive self. It didn’t take long for me to pull my head in and realize I was being a bit of a prick.
I was still working as I was classed as an essential worker but the crazy shifts (nights and days together) and the abuse was having an effect on me. I started to become paranoid when I knew she was going out and I knew I had no reason to be, regardless of what my “supportive” colleagues would tell me.
My paranoia is what started to cause the distance and led to more arguments and disagreements. Then suddenly within the space of a week we went from discussing marriage and children to her ending things.
I was a firm believer of not staying in contact with an ex after a breakup, but didn’t have the answers or the closure I needed to move on so being in the emotional state I was, I thought it would be a good idea to have a look at her reddit as I knew she would post a lot on there.
I saw a few comments on other posts from when we were together and she was giving other couples advice about long distance and was referring to me as the man she knew she was going to marry. I checked the date on this and it was less than 10 weeks.
I then saw her post from two weeks later titled something along the lines of “How do I know when it’s time to end a long term relationship”. This hurt, rather than having a conversation with me about our relationship and trying to fix the issues, she would rather take advice from people on here who most of the time seem to just want to find a bad guy and try to tell people their partner is in the wrong and they need to end things.
In the comments, she had mentioned that she didn’t feel she wanted to end things and that she knew we could work through it but everyone else were saying things like “if my partner put a post like this, I’d know it’s over” which I can understand but with no context of the situation, you can’t really make any comments. I looked again at the date and realized that it was 2 days before we broke up.
The next post (another four weeks later) was then advice for dating the person she had recently started seeing. This is the one that made me turn my phone off. Within the space of 8 weeks, she had gone from referring to me as the man she was going to marry to asking advice for dating another man. I’m glad she was able to move on and be happy but anyone that’s been dumped knows how hard it is to see their ex move on so quickly.
4 years on and life is now completely different, I’ve found a career that I’m doing well in, after letting myself go a bit I’m finally getting myself back in shape, I’ve got some great friends around me. But even with all these great changes in my life, I’m not happy.
I’ve felt moments of happiness but they don’t last. I’ve not had a relationship since H as everyone I’ve dated, no matter how great they are, they aren’t her. As you can probably tell, I’m still in love with her. I’ve reached out a few times since we broke up hoping there would be some sort of spark still there but from what I could tell in her replies, she has no interest in rekindling anything.
I still find myself wanting to reach out again to see if things have changed but they won’t have. I’m always hoping it’ll be her messaging me when I get a notification but I know it won’t be and I came to terms with that a long time ago.
As hard as it is knowing she won’t be in my life ever again, I hope she’s living her best life, has all the happiness in the world and finds someone that will treat her with more love than imaginable.
If anyone out there has read this far, thank you for your time. If you take anything from this, please be open with your partners and be better than me, not just to them but to yourself.